I’m still trying to make payments on the mistakes I've made; note to self:

I’m still trying to make payments on the mistakes I've made; note to self:
​  Once in a while, you allow guilt and shame to come and tell you that it’s time to make a payment for your mistakes. Some dues must be paid,” says, guilt and shame;” you are the responsible party. So, you must pay.”
The installments you have made requires you to allow those you’ve hurt to misuse and abuse you, as some form of settlement for the emotional pain you’ve caused them in the past. By doing this, you negate this fact: you have already paid the price for your mistakes with the lifestyle change you have created, you no longer have to punish you. I know you feel  awful, and the thought of you ever causing anyone pain gives you emotional grief, but your addiction would not allow you to feel anything at that time in your life. Dear, you were trying to cover up the pain that was placed in you by those who abused you. A pain that the little girl didn’t know how to survive. She buried that pain with drugs and alcohol. She did the only thing she was taught to do, survive by any means necessary. So, she did.
I believed that if I allowed myself to feel the pain, that I would die. I had to protect myself, so I ran and hid for 22 years.
I’m back now, and I've been clean for 9 years. I’ve changed my life to live free from the mental confines of my past abuse. I’ve not hurt any of you in the last nine years, but I have allowed you to hurt me because I felt I deserved it. I’m under the weight and pressure of the pain you are causing me now, and it is showing up as a heavy burden too massive for me to sustain. I must release myself from the influence of guilt and shame. I will put my punisher to rest and reclaim myself and peace.
I will do what I’ve been taught to do, only now in a healthier way. I will survive and thrive, and that means letting go of the guilt of you.
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